


Most definitely unexpected.

by ArtyMissK



Category: The Hobbit All Media Types
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, I promise, Not a Mary Sue, Really I Do!, Slow Build, Tags to be added, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 22:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2485202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Bilbo’s best friend is mistaken for a male and gets roped into being a burglar for a mad bunch of dwarves, who plan to free a mountain from some sort of pest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Most definitely unexpected.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first slow burn/multi chaptered fic, based on this imaginexhobbit submission (Imagine pretending to be male so the company doesn't treat you differently!?) It started about 600 words but just kept growing!
> 
>  
> 
> I solemnly promise that this won’t become a Mary Sue, not that there’s anything wrong with that though, artistic license and all.
> 
>  
> 
> Thoughts of the reader are in italic.
> 
> All spoken dwarvish is in bold.
> 
>  
> 
> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!)

You knew that you’d always been a little different from the other hobbit girls your age, preferring to climb trees and hunt for trolls. Even as you grew up it became more obvious just how different you were, when the other girls your age started settling down and having fauntlings, you were still out in the fields wearing breeches instead of flowery dresses practicing with your bow, staying out until dark usually trailing your mud and fireflies through your parents home upon your return. When you reached maturity a few months after that of your dearest friend and former co-adventurer Bilbo Baggins however the local gossips went into over drive and your parents decided that you should pay court to him, Bilbo and you - like that would ever happen!

 

Speaking of Bilbo you were currently sitting on the bench in his front garden on the off chance that mad wizard happened to return. Bored of trying to braid your unruly hair you pull two sections in front of your face and plait them under your chin, giving yourself a rather magnificent beard - even if the only beards you’d ever seen belonged to the north rangers, who were often described as odd, much the same way you were.   

 

“Lad?” a gruff voice interrupts your blissful daydreaming.

 

“Me?” you reply trying your best not to stare at the dwarf in front of you.

 

“Yes, ye do ye see anyone else here? You must be the Baggins we’re s‘possed be meeting.”

 

“No, he’s inside.” _are those tattoos’ on his head?_

 

“Right lad, lead the way.” he motions for you to move, since when has Bilbo known any dwarves “I’m Dwalin son of Fundin, at your service and you are?” he continues following you up the path towards Bag End.

 

“Bilbo!” you call out as you enter your friends home.

 

“Thought you said you weren’t Bilbo.”

 

“Bilbo…there you are…this” you momentarily pause “gentleman is looking for you.” you state glad to have finished that particular sentence, your braided-hair beard totally forgotten “I’ll leave you to it!” is all you say before gingerly stepping around the hulking figure that calls himself Dwalin.

 

Turning to leave you find yourself face to face with another dwarf.

 

“Good evening.” says a cherry older fellow, at least he is more sensibly sized than the other one.

 

“I suppose. Are you looking for Bilbo.”

 

“Balin, at your service.” he says with a bow “Am I late?”

 

“No, I don’t think so.” you reply despite your confusion.

 

“Brother” the other one, what’s his name … Dwalin that’s it, gets the attention of the new dwarf. They embrace and the pair of them look at each other before smashing their foreheads together.

 

Spying Bilbo you discreetly make your way to him and quietly speak. “Bilbo…you decide to have a party with dwarves and didn’t tell me.”

 

“What, no!” he replies indignantly. 

 

 **“** Good, so I’m invited….will you be staying in your pyjamas?”

 

“I should probably change,”

 

“Probably.” you interrupt,  Bilbo huffs before wandering off in the direction of his bedroom.

 

~

 

A hand on your shoulder has you quickly turning around to face two new dwarves, clearly younger than the others.

 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you,” chuckles the handsome blonde.

 

“How did you get in?” you ask disbelievingly.

 

“The door was open,” answers the other equally good-looking dwarf, he pauses momentarily “Kili.”

 

“And Fili.” the blonde interrupts

 

“At your service.” they add in unison

 

“You must be Mister Boggins.” Kili continues.

 

“Its Baggins and no, he’s getting changed…the others are through there.” You point in the general direction of Bilbo’s dining room, before quickly moving to lock the door, clearly dwarves haven’t heard of knocking!

 

“Was that another dwarf?” Bilbo asks as returns now at least looking more respectable,

 

“Nope, it was two,” the scraping sounds of moving furniture distract you both and as you move to investigate there is another knock on the door.

 

“You get the door, I’ll rescue my table.” doing as your told you answer the door and another eight dwarves actually fall in, of course its impossible not to notice the figure standing behind them as the wizard you were originally waiting for.

 

“Gandalf! Bilbo didn’t say you were coming as well.” you say excitedly ignoring the groaning figures in the floor in front of you.

 

“Did he not?” he chuckles in reply.

 

“What are you up to wizard?”

 

“I could ask the same of you!” he eye’s you oddly, in that wizardly way. The dwarves on the floor have more or less all got up and made a run for Bilbo’s pantry.

 

“Put that back!” you can hear Bilbo shouting “Those are my plates! Excuse me! Not my wine. Put that back. Put that back! Not the jam, please! ...Excuse me.”it would be funny, except you know how much effort Bilbo puts into keeping his pantry he most well stocked in the whole of Hobbiton. Both yourself and Gandalf move towards the commotion staying side by side until he starts counting the dwarves and is offered tea by a sliver haired dwarf who somehow managed to find Bilbo’s best West Farthing crockery tea service.

 

Dinner if that’s what you call it, was indescribable. Food was thrown back and forth, no table manners whatsoever, poor Bilbo just stood in his now empty pantry looking like he’d quite like to cry.  How can they have possibly been that hungry?

 

“Um…sorry to interrupt…but what should I do with my plate?” a young dwarf nervously asks Bilbo.

 

“Here Ori give it to me.” remarks Fili taking the plate from Ori and throwing it to Kili who I would assume is his brother, it flusters Bilbo, which only seems to encourage the dwarves they even start singing.

 

“Blunt the knives, bend the forks

Smash the bottles and burn the corks

Chip the glasses and crack the plates

That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Cut the cloth and tread on the fat

Leave the bones on the bedroom mat

Pour the milk on the pantry floor

Splash the wine on every door

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl

Pound them up with a thumping pole

When you’ve finished, if any are whole

Send them down the hall to roll

...

That’s what Bilbo Baggins hates!”

 

_Maybe you have to use reverse psychology with them._

“He’s here.” two words from Gandalf and complete silence falls. Gandalf opens the door revealing the final member of the troupe, he’s certainly handsome and very regal looking, with long dark hair streaks with sliver.

 

“Gandalf. I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice. Wouldn’t have found it at all had it not been for that mark on the door.”

 

Bilbo pushes his way to the front of the gathering. “Mark? There’s no mark on that door. It was painted a week ago!”

 

“There is a mark; I put it there myself. Bilbo Baggins allow me to present the leader of our company Thorin Oakenshield.” Gandalf introduces him, while beckoning  Bilbo forward.

 

“So this is the hobbit.” He pauses circling Bilbo. “Tell me master Baggins have you done any fighting?’”

 

“Excuse me!”

 

“Axe or sword, what is your weapon of choice?”

 

“Well, I do have some skills with conkers if you must know…but I fail to see why that’s relevant.”

 

“I thought as much…he looks more like a grocer than a burglar.” You’re certain that this Thorin meant to insult Bilbo,  but grocer’s are well respected in Hobbiton and it’s quite a compliment to be considered one.

 

Moving back to the dining room Thorin is given a bowl of stew and once everyone is seated except yourself and Bilbo talk turns to their quest.

 

From his seat Balin asks Thorin. “What news from the meeting in Ered Luin? Did they all come?”

 

“Aye. Envoys from all seven kingdoms.”

 

“What do the dwarves of the Iron Hills say?” Dwalin interrupts “Is Dain with us?”

 

“They will not come….They say this quest is ours alone.”

You quietly ask Bilbo. “You’re going on a quest?”

 

“A quest, an expedition, a journey of sorts yes.” Gandalf having overheard explains “Far to the East, over ranges and rivers, beyond woodlands and wastelands, lies a single solitary peak.”

 

Bilbo as a lover of maps can’t help but lean over Thorin’s shoulder to paw at it. “The Lonely Mountain.” He reads aloud.

 

“Aye” starts an dwarf with an ear trumpet ‘surely he’s too old to travel’ you think to yourself. “Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold: When the birds of yore return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.”

 

“Uh, What beast?” Bilbo asks stepping back.

 

The curly hatted one stands, pipe in one hand. “Well, that would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire-breather, teeth like razors, claws like meathooks, extremely fond of precious metals--”

 

“That’s why we need a burglar.” The one in the cardigan interrupts.

 

Crossing your arms over your chest and giving Bilbo your best glare. “I can’t believe you’re planning to go on an adventure without me!”

“That’s because I’m not, I am a Baggins of Bag End, and my place is here!” he replies at the exact same time Gandalf turns and says. “Which is why I’ve chosen Mister Baggins to be your burglar!”

 

“No!”

 

“Bilbo.”

 

“No, no, no.”

 

“Oh now, wel..”

 

“NO, I’m not being tricked by you into running off and abandoning my home, I…I’ve responsibilities, I cant just go on an adventure.”

 

You’re sure you’ve never seen a wizard looked miffed, but Gandalf does a great impression of one and opens his mouth to argue with Bilbo, but Balin beats him to it, turning to face you the old dwarf asks. “What about you lad?”

 

“Aye, you any good with weapons?” tattooed features interjects.

 

“I’m not bad with a bow.”

 

“Wot ‘bout stealf’ an’ sneaking?” asks the pointy haired one.

“All hobbits are remarkably light on their feet, and can go unseen by most if they choose.”

looking at you Gandalf asks “How about a little more tea?”

 

~

 

“That’s settled then…Balin give him the contract.” Thorin says as you and Bilbo return with more tea.

 

“Lad, here be the terms of our expedition.” he says handing you the impressive piece of literature.

 

“Great but why do I need it?”

 

“We’ve decided that you’re to be our burglar.”

 

“Oh…can I read it first?”

 

“Course you can laddie.”

 

“Be ready to leave by first night.” Thorin interjects and with that they begin to spread around Bag End smoking and setting out their bedrolls leaving you at Bilbo’s dining table with a three foot long contract.

“Um…excuse me, but I thought you might need a quill and ink to sign with.”

“Thank you….” You trail off realising that you haven’t been introduced.

 

“Ori.” He supplies “It’ll be nice having someone else who’s young…well besides those two.” hepoints at Fili and Kili whispering suspiciously in a corner.

 

“Why are you going on the quest? if I may ask.”

 

“Oh, I’m a scribe, I’m here to document the quest.”

“Right, and I’m a burglar.”

 

“Can we talk privately?” Bilbo asks from the doorway, you. “You aren’t seriously going to sign that are you?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“You know damn well why not…you’re a girl, you can’t run off on an adventure with MALE dwarves.”

 

“Yes I can and I am going to, you might be ok at turning down the chance of an adventure but I’m not.” signing your name with a flourish as you speak.

 

~

 

You wander through Bag End looking for the fluffy white haired dwarf who reminds you very much of Old Took and over hear some of the dwarves talking quietly in what you assume must be dwarvish.

 

**“Maybe, but they look a bit soft.”**

**“At least that dark haired one ‘as weapons, ‘e won’t be as useless as that Baggins fellow would’ve been.”**

**“And he’s got a nice beard too…really shiny.”**

They change to speaking in common when they see you although it’s still fairly hushed, the hatted one continues. “Oh aye, but he looks fairly brave.”

 

“Aye, the wild is no place for women-folk.” _but I am a woman._

 

“So ya’ signed it then.” the pointy haired one asks as you come closer, motioning at the contract.

 

“Yeah, I suppose I’m your burglar now.”

 

“Very good laddie, let me have a look.” as you hand the contract to Balin you consider asking why they keep referring to you as male but decide that maybe dwarfs don’t use pro-noun’s.

 

“I suppose I should go home and pack, if we’re leaving in the morning.” making a list in your head of all the things you will need.

 

“We leave at first light, I trust that you’ll be punctual.”

 

“Of course.”

 

~

 

You say your good nights and speak to Bilbo asking him to come as well and as your leaving you spy a dwarvish bow and can’t resist trying it.

 

“That’s mine, ya’ know.” Says the good looking brunette from behind you.

 

“Really, its not bad…for a dwarvish bow.”

 

“Hey…can I ask you something?”

 

“If you have to.”

 

“How do you braid your beard so flat?”

 

“My beard?” you ask disbelievingly turning your head to catch your reflection in a mirror.

 

“Sorry, just it looks so smooth and soft.”

 

“Oh, well, I, it’s hobbit hair I guess…it’s probably softer than your dwarvish hair.. I.” a shout from the other room thankfully draws Kili’s attention from you.

 

“Coming...see you in morning then.”

 

Looking at your reflection you decide its best not to tell them that you’re a girl and run home as quick as you can to pack.

 

~

**Author's Note:**

> So…….I’m pretty sure this is almost blasphemy, but I’m gonna run with it anyway…if you spot any mistakes please point them out.
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> Also I think ‘you’ needs a name, I’m open to suggestions send me some ideas : )
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> Also (again) I’ve got a fan based tumblr…if you want to check it out it’s: www.durinsmistress.tumblr.com


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